"24 S8.9" Recap – “CTU. CYA. WTF? BFD!”

24 S8.9 – “CTU. CYA. WTF? BFD!”

• We kick off this week with a touching father-son moment between Das Boot and Sark. “Son, come back with the rods and you’ll be safe.” Sark says, “OK, Dad….BANG!!!! OH, SH*T!!! I’M DEAD!!!”
• Jack calls Agent Red and quotes Sonny and Cher to her. Man, he’s looking good for someone who was stabbed an hour ago and electrocuted a half-hour after.
• Bubba and Prez Cherry’s weasel CoS turn CTU into CYA. Someone’s gonna have to take the fall and that’s Red.
• Damp Boi has Drone Boy find Starbuck and goes AWOL after her, cuz it’s more important to see what your fiancé is up to than, you know, FINDING THE F*CKING NUKE FUEL!!! (Buffy married and spawned with this loser?)
• Starbuck has her gonna-kill-my-ex face on. Still Lifetime. [sigh]
• Red is getting set up for the screw job. Chloe pouts. Jack’s gonna be pissed.
• Schwartzman’s sidekick, Dante Hicks, takes him and the rods to yet another convenient work site to learn the latest Big Plan: dirty bombing the Great Satan. Sounds like a plan to him.
• Dexter is doing Dodge voiceovers. Does this mean I should buy one to carry my dead bodies around?
• The Justice Sistah leans on Red and makes her cry. Meanie!
• Jack figures out instantly that Red’s getting set up and in one of the odder badass-to-pwned moments first jacks a red shirt and then gets captured by them. Huh?!?!
• Schwartzman escapes from Dante, but isn’t bright to clobber minions in the head to keep them from telling what you’ve done.
• Jack and Bubba square off and when it’s learned that Damp Boi is AWOL, Bubba doesn’t think to have Jack help some more. Nope, tosses him out. Bleah. Is there a maximum IQ you’re not allowed to exceed in order to get an upper management gig?
• Schwartzman calls in to CTU looking for help. Little. Bitch.
• Starbuck gets ready to cap the Yahoo Twins by the lake – where the heck are they? – when Damp Boi shows up and screws up everything. Nice couple. They have a future.
• Bubba preps CTU Rookie for the mission even though he’s still waiting for his nads to descend. Jack is smirking. Bubba agrees to let Red off if Jack commits fully to kick ass for the United States of America. [cue “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”]
• Damp Boi and Starbuck have a heart to heart and….oh, crap, this plot is just the worst of the worst. Katee Sackoff is wasted; Freddie Prinze Jr. makes us wistful for the throbbing manliness of Ricky Schroeder – whatever happened to Chase?; the Yahoo Twins end up dead and it’s all just sucked from beginning to end.

Thoughts: Really, WTF has any of this been about? NINE HOURS of non-stop stupid and it appears that we’ll waste some time next week with some couples therapy over body disposal. Gah! Are we going to have to watch them work out their relationship for the next 15 hours? Pffft.

Hardcores: No one. (Jack would’ve gotten his usual if he didn’t get tased so easily.)

Little Bitches: Schwartzman, Red, Me (for having to watch Lifetime Starbuck.)

Up Next: Something. It’s getting harder to stay engaged.
Episodes Score: 6/10.

JBBC: Throat punches, while vicious, don’t count. Holding at 8.