"24 S8.14" Recap - “Jack in the Land of the CHUDs”

24 S8.14 – “Jack in the Land of the CHUDs”

• Jack’s ribs have been pulverized, but he’s blowing it off cuz he’s BADASS!
• Now Evil Starbuck is knocking out satellites to let Dante slip away. Where was this chick when the hillbillies were bossing her around?
• Junction Jack’s back with Prez Cherry and he’s not happy. Bubba can’t guarantee the Big Apple. Someone’s career is in trouble.
• Prez Cherry wants Jack to help protect Regis. This is the same woman who was having Jack arrested last season for torture. Bitch. Make up your mind!
• Red wants to stick with Jack on the mission. Is she gonna die? Nah, too early. Jack’s women die in the last hour.
• Dante gets the rods to Akbar the Bomba. Yay Evil Starbuck! Wait, what?!?
• Did Jack catch a chopper to the UN or did he just will himself and Red there?
• Jack tells Regis the plan. Regis asks, “How does my hair look? Awesome? Awesome!”
• Dante calls Prez Cherry and demands Regis in exchange for not nuking the city. Good thing he’s not doing this with Detroit; they’d take him up on the opportunity to improve it.
• Prez’s Weasel Whom I Never Nicknamed thinks we should toss Regis to the wolves. Prez Cherry gets all righteous and rah-rah over recovering from the Carnegie Deli being nuked. Huzzah!
• Evil Starbuck – that’s too much to type – Starbitch asks Chloe for the police routes. Chloe looks annoyed, not suspicious.
• Dante checks in on Akbar, who’s whispering, ”Who’s a dirty bomb? You’re a dirty bomb!”
• It took 13-1/2 hours, but another familiar 24 trope has finally arrived: The rogue op by seditious government agents to give up Regis with plausible deniability.
• Did Chloe spot what Starbitch is up to?
• Bubba gives a rah-rah speech. Might have more impact if he hasn’t been a dumbass all day.
• Zaboo drives the bomb to the Upper West Side. TriBeCa peeps breathe a sigh of relief.
• General Mayhem thinks that Jack doesn’t stand a chance against his full operational battle station, er, elite stormtrooper squad. Yeah, right.
• Junction Jack walks in on them and figures out what they’re up to, but has a really poorly-timed heart attack. (Not that there’s a good time to go Code Blue, mind you.)
• Jack is suspicious of JJ’s dial and hang up. Yeah, there’s an ambush coming.
• Good thing there’s a bunch of cover in this tunnel, no? When I see this in a game, I know there’s a firefight up ahead.
• Weasel blows the bluff with Jack and he figures that something’s up.
• Big chaotic gunfight and I’m not sure how many, if any, Jack got. There have been different directors this year – what happened to Jon Cassar? – and they’re definitely not up to past scratch. Too much Paul Greengrass wannabeism.
• Jack and Red use smoke to easily ambush General Mayhem’s super-duper trooper squad. When I played paintball I wouldn’t have gone into a smoked up room, so what’s their story?
• Jack whacks five and gets saved by Regis from the last Red Shirt who tells them what the plan is.
• Dante tells Zaboo to do the do and start the final countdown. (Do-da-doo-doo, do-da-do-do-do!!!)

Thoughts: Isn’t it ironic that just as series has hit some semblance of a stride, it’s too late because the show’s been canned. Even though it’s finally given a good dose of tension again, the festering conundrum of Starbuck/Starbitch just sits there stinking up the place. There is just no way to square her behavior for the first half of the day with what she’s doing now.

Hardcores: Jack, Red, Starbitch, Regis, Prez Cherry, Weasel, General Mayhem.

Little Bitches: Red Shirts, Junction Jack.

Up Next: Jeez, way to give away a zillion story beats for the two-hour Double Power Hours next week, Fox. Regis sacrifices himself, Starbitch taunts Jack – THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN WHO COULDN’T SHOO OFF A PAIR OF HILLBILLIES!!!! – and the long-awaited return of the not-dead President Evil Little Bitch.

Episodes Score: 8.5/10 – Starbitch sucks off a half-point.

JBBC: I’m scoring five for Jack, bringing the count to 15; finally above a one-per-hour average.