"24 S8.15-16" Recaps - “You’re Not A Martyr When You Volunteer For It”/“24 Pickup”

24 S8.15 – “You’re Not A Martyr When You Volunteer For It”

• General Mayhem is refusing to let Weasel get help for Junction Jack, then lies to Prez Cherry.
• Regis gets all noble and jacks Jack, handing himself over to the bud guys. He’s hair’s looking mussy. Perhaps he hopes the jihadis have some product?
• Dante gives Zaboo the stop order with 7 seconds left. Good thing he wasn’t calling on an iPhone otherwise NYC would be the setting of Fallout 4.
• Jack punches thru reinforced glass with his elbow in several blows. He could’ve bashed it down with one swing of his dick if he wasn’t in the presence of ladies.
• Jack sends Renee with the women to the AFB. Let the skirts – well, pantsuits – do the grunt jobs, caveman.
• Jack tells Prez Cherry that her lackeys suck (again) and he’s trying to get Regis back, heisting a sweet ride from the one guy who apparently never heard that leaving your car running in Manhattan is not very advisable.
• Zaboo swaps the dirty bomb for Regis.
• Prez Cherry busts all the traitors and bitchslaps Weasel who’s pretty smug about his treason.
• Bubba orders Chloe and Starbitch to coordinate with Jack, so SB takes this as a good time to reroute the servers, which is code for “call Dante.” Chloe looks a little more annoyed, but doesn’t seem to be catching on.
• Damp Boi comes back to CTU and reminds me that I despise him for making Sarah Michelle Gellar quit Buffy to spend time and spawn with him. ATTICA!!!
• Zaboo tells Regis that he hates him so hard and Regis tears up. Hair’s getting real messy.
• Junction Jack is carted off and the ladies have arrived at the base.
• What’s up with Cherry and Red? Something about the reason Red got cashiered?
• That’s a Hyundai? Snazzy.
• Starbitch sneaks into the server room to feed intel but, whoops, Drone Boy is in there and suspicious. He manages to avoid getting strangled and SB tips off Zaboo, but at what point does someone snag her? I thought she was gonna open a door and find some guns pointed at her at the break.
• Zaboo hides out in the parking garage and then takes a header off the roof, landing on Regis’ side. Ouch! Problem is that because of last week’s preview, we know Regis isn’t killed. Way to spoil, sports. Who’s the fake blonde?
• Jack has Zaboo’s phone meaning he can backtrace Starbitch. They’re gonna set up a secure uplink, but why couldn’t Jack tell Chloe that he’s gonna call the last number and to have whoever at CTU’s phone rings taken into custody?

24 S8.16 – “24 Pickup”

• Starbitch tries to sneak out but the Red Shirt actually does his job. The way they played it was deliberately meant to make loyal viewers scream in disbelief, wasn’t it? Who thought she was gonna get let out? Me, too.
• Prez Cherry is told Regis is with the terrorists and now the Ruskies are sniffing around. WTF is this about?
• Red tells Chloe about the phone.
• Starbitch needs to work on Bubba’s workstation to fix her card. Bubba gets called by Chloe. The noose is tightening.
• They decrypt the phone and discover it’s her. She hands her card over to the Red Shirt but she’s already been flagged. WHOA!!!! She whips out a gat and caps a pair of Red Shirts.
• Damp Boi is all confused by what’s happening. Bubba wants to know what he knew. He honestly answers, ”Nothing.” Der, Sherlock!
• Big gunfight with the predictable finish of Damp Boi stopping her.
• She tells Bubba she wants to talk only to Jack. May I again mention that this is the same woman who 12 hours ago was such a quivering heap of failness that she was getting bossed around by a pair of rednecks?
• Bubba wants some answers from DB. He knows he’s screwed. Eat it, punk.
• Jack interrogates Starbitch, slamming her up against the wall after she makes her standard-issue (for 24) demand of full immunity, a clean record, 18 pounds of cheddar cheese and the continent of Australia! She doesn’t even flinch. Boy, if she wasn’t evil, she’d be the perfect wingman for the Continuing Adventures of Jack.
• Regis tries to reason with Dante who appears to be interested for about one second before slapping him and ordering his torture.
• Prez Cherry and Junction Jack mull options if Regis eats it.
• Bubba gives Damp Boi his gun back and tells him Starbitch is briefing the team. They bump into each other in the hall and a longing look of…who am I kidding? Wedding’s off, kids; and you ain’t getting the deposits back.
• Regis is getting stun-gunned and still resisting. Doesn’t Dante know that all he has to do is threaten his hair?
• The JihadToobe broadcast starts with Dante reading his list of grievances – ”He has sold out our country to the infidels; he drinks milk out of the carton; and he hogs up the mirror doing his hair for an hour before the posse goes to the Roxbury.” - and Chloe is able to deduce where Regis most likely is.
• Jack gives the assault orders to the Red Shirts and tells Red he wants her behind him. Why? So he can be her human shield?
• POW! POW! Lookouts down.
• Jack said get down, so he put you down, Bub!
• They pinpoint the apartment the broadcast is coming from and Jack lockpicks his way in. Boy, he’s got some mad petty criminal skillz what with heisting the Hyundai and the locksmithing.
• Red watches the lady of the house and spots the wig, winning the quick draw contest with Jihadi Jenna.
• Powpowpow!!! Jack whacks the guys around the laptop and…OH, CRAP!!! THEY’RE TOO LATE!!!

Thoughts: Wow. Didn’t see that ending coming. When did they switch from going live and switch to the tape? This is a bummer ending and gets the silent clock treatment. Now that all is lost for 24, the show has finally caught fire with a consistency and intensity equal to the better “lesser” seasons like Season 7 last year.

The total botching of the Lifetime Starbuck to Starbitch plot arc has been the greatest failing of this season. This single mistake over all pretty much ended the series and I demand an explanation how they totally wasted Katee Sackoff – Hermione call her “Suckoff.” Meowch! – and screwed everything up for 12+ hours only to try and convince us that everything we saw before was a front for the badass we got now. Sure, they managed to pull back the stick in time to keep the plane from smashing into the ground, but it was too little, too late. Argh!

Hardcores: Jack, Red, Starbitch, Zaboo (BIH).

Little Bitches: Red Shirts, Regis (RIP), peace itself.

Up Next: With the rods recaptured and just about all of the bad guys caught or dead, what’s gonna happen for the next 8 hours? A standoff with the Ruskies requiring the assistance of President Evil Little Bitch? Yeesh.

Episodes Score: 1st Hour: 9/10; 2nd Hour: 9.5/10 – the hands-down best hours of the season; no need to grade on a curve.

JBBC: Four for Jack, bringing the count to 19.