"Chloe" Review

Amanda Seyfried gets nekkid!

Score: 10/10! Buy a movie theater and run this movie on continuous loop!

OK, seriously now; Chloe is a supposed psycho-sexual drama-thriller (thrillerama?) in which suspicious Toronto gynecologist Julianne Moore hires hottie escort Chloe (Seyfried) to tempt her professor husband, Liam Neeson, into hanky panky when she suspects him of cheating. Hilarity ensues, especially when Chloe turns around and seduces Moore with tales of her husband's shenanigans. Wait, what?

Even if you can buy into the premise - if you're an aging woman in a chilly marriage and you suspect your husband's seeing younger women, is sending a luscious trollop like Chloe really a good idea, or even a test? It's not like he's chasing Snookie* from Jersey Shore. - the execution falters because it seems to take place in an alternate universe version of Toronto where the people look like us, but don't act like human beings we'd know.

The script has moments where it skates close to the edge of being interesting, but director Atom Egoyan's trademark airlessness manages to drain any carnal or intellectual energy from the proceedings. It's really obvious where this is all heading early on and by the time Chloe is shagging their petulant son (SPOILER ALERT!) it's turned into a cheesy stalker flick - Single White Escort - with an unsatisfying denouement. It also requires Moore to go about confirming her suspicions in a ridiculous fashion when any normal woman upon finding a suspicious message on her husband's phone would be in his face demanding, "Who the hell is this whore?!? Are you f*cking her?!? I want a divorce!!!!", but as I said, these aren't remotely real people.

Only Moore is able to blow some air into her paper-thin character to almost approximate a pseudo-person. But as hard as she tries to sell the idea that listening to Chloe dryly relate cheating her husband is giving her the screaming thigh sweats, I simply didn't buy it. It doesn't help that the big-eyed, Bythe doll-looking* Seyfried doesn't come off as particularly smart or conniving in her dull dissertations of her sexual performances and we never really get what she's about. Neeson merely growls and looks peeved about all that's going on.

Somewhere inside Chloe may be an interesting study in sexual obsession and relationships and considering it's a remake of a 2003 French film called Nathalie..., starring Emmanuelle Béart and Gérard "Is it a French movie? Then I'm in it, oui!" Depardieu, it may have once been. (I'll see if I can track that one down and compare it to this Canuckian remake.) As it stands now, other than the art film skin show (Moore gives up more goodies than Seyfried) and the fun spotting Toronto spots I've visited (hello, Rivoli!), Chloe's best chance is to blow the minds of Seyfriend fans who know her from films like Mamma Mia! and Dear John. O noes!!! Bewbs!!!

Score: 4/10. Catch it on cable.

* Props to my girlfriend for the Snookie and Blythe doll references.

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ADDENDUM: In an email chain discussing this with my girlfriend, I elaborated on just how silly Julianne's scheme was. This won't make any sense to anyone who hasn't seen the movie and is SPOILERIFIC, so stop reading if you don't want your enjoyment (*cough*) of the movie ruined.

I wrote, "Really, this is a way to test the hubbie? For what? Infidelity or whether he's gay?"

JULIANNE: Hey, Liam. Did you happen to meet a cute girl at the cafe today?

LIAM: Um, there was a girl there. She asked to borrow the sugar.

JULIANNE: And did anything happen?

LIAM: I gave her the sugar.

JULIANNE: Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

LIAM: What?

JULIANNE: Nothing. So, did anything else happen?

LIAM: Like what?

JULIANNE: Did you happen to go with her to the garden tool area of a greenhouse and get a twisty handjob or go to a four-star hotel and order a $20 room service Reuben and only having a bite before one-hump-chumping her?

LIAM: WHAT?!?!? NO!!!! I just gave her the sugar!!! Why are you asking me this?

JULIANNE: Because I paid her good money to tempt you and you didn't do anything. You're gay, aren't you?

LIAM: NO! What? Honey, what are you talking about?

JULIANNE: How could you not want her? She's totally hot. Jeez, I was showerbating myself about ten scenes back while thinking of her. I think I'm gonna do her since you're too poof to get on it.

LIAM: And you're asking if I'M gay?!?!?

...and SCENE!!!! XD